My national identity is something I have covered before but recent events have seen a slight change in my perception of it.
And by that I mean I’m even more confused than I was before. But before that the most painful break up anyone can ever have, more than you can in a romantic sense.
I have broken up with India. Yes, it hurts to even write those words, and believe me I can hardly believe I’ve written them on this screen, they seem branded into it now, something which shouldn’t really be there. But it is unfortunately how things are. And when I say I broke up with India, it also means that relations with most British Indians have also been soured. This is something that has been boiling up since the end of last year but it really has come to a head in recent times. I shall endeavour to explain.
One should not stereotype a whole nation when one can avoid it but it is hard for me to do anything to the contrary when one meets nothing but people of a certain sort. And Indians seem to come in one single flavour; arrogant show offs that only wish to show you up so that they can look superior. I shall describe but a small number of anecdotes, or should I say evidence, to support this. So I shall begin with an incident that took place with a retired soldier. That’s right, a PROUD, PATRIOTIC INDIAN who would put his life on the line for the nation but could not let his ego subside for even a second.
The incident in question was quite straightforward really. He introduced himself (in English grrr) and offered his hand forth in greeting. Me being the traditionalist placed my palms together in the conventional ‘Namaste’ as it felt more appropriate to me (and I suppose I wanted to impress a little, but we’re talking small potatoes here!). At this stage the gentleman thought it appropriate to say that handshaking was the more internationally accepted manner of greeting. Yes but Namaste is sweeter, more personal and more hygienic I said back. At this stage he proceeded to tell me some bull about how hand shaking was a gesture that proved to the other person that your hand is clean and available to shake because of it. Look it up if you don’t believe me but I know for a fact that hand shaking is an indication that there is no weapon in that hand, it is a friendly gesture. But this guy wasn’t having any of it. Fantabulous. Later on he said dinner was ready and so we should go to the dining room and so we should leave. In my British humour style I dared to utter the words ‘get out’ as part of a longer sentence, one that was not vulgar. But of course idiot-brained Indians can’t see it that way, I was demeaning them, wasn’t I? In fact at the time I had no idea why one of the people I had been talking to decided to say to me ‘I was taken aback by the way you were speaking to me.’ I apologised profusely despite not being fully sure about what I’d done wrong at the time. Later on my mother told me about how it was the height of rudeness to say those words together in Indian society, and that it would appear that the person that took offence. Poor English wins again (see ‘The English disease of Indians’ for more hilarious stories like this). If you’re offended by that, then take a look at this, it sums up what I think of your arrogance (contains colourful language):
http://kingmediocre.deviantart.com/#/d4vxbr9 :)
Some of you may also be aware about how India is the most vegetarian country on the planet. No other country even comes close. Yet within her borders you hear the stupidest and most insecure arguments EVER against vegetarianism. Stuff you would expect more brain-dead people in other countries to say where it isn’t the norm. If you’re vegetarian for health reasons, they leave you alone. But I dared to argue from a moral and ecological point of view, that killing animals is bad and that the environment suffers for it. And when I say that what do I get to hear? ‘But you’re upsetting the food chain!’
You’re sat in a marble house, eating sweets that were made in an electric oven and I came to this country in a giant metal bird that weighs more than several elephants. What the hell is natural here? And the environmental argument is juxtaposed by the magical health benefits of meat that boil down to one person feeling slightly better after going back on the butter chicken (psychosomatic maybe?) and ergo nuts to how it exhausts the planet. My personal favourite response has to be a relative of mine, who despite having heard all the arguments against meat eating and knowing them back to front living in a house of staunch vegetarians says nothing more than ‘मै बचपन से खाके आया हूँ!’ (I’ve been eating it since childhood!) as though it makes it all OK. Indians, it appears, always want to have the moral high ground over you. Even if they’re killing babies with hammers and you aren’t, they’re undertaking some greater good that you haven’t thought of. For that reason, you’re the monster!
It also underlines a conservative attitude that almost everyone has in India, regardless of age, that they will not budge on. It’s amazing that such a level of insecurity and such a large insecurity complex exists within the nation. I am from a proud Hindu family, such that my father and uncles will say to an Indian Christian ‘why don’t you become a Hindu, your ancestors were!’ To which the Christian will invariably reply with how it was his father’s religion, and his father before him etc. I would imagine that if I was an Indian Christian I would most probably remain so for the same reason. Who cares about personal growth though, right?
Not to mention Indian weddings. I thoroughly and whole-heartedly despise them. They are nothing more than extravagant expressions of wealth for the parents of the two kids getting married. It’s amazing how Indians save their money throughout their lives to blow it all on one event. It makes no financial sense in the slightest. I remember a story in a British newspaper of a wealthy Indian-Belgian businessman that had thrown the world’s most expensive wedding. And can you believe it my relatives were proud! Forget the scientists combating polio every day, forget the Indian author winning the Booker prize, this gets everyone riled up! And I have lost count the number of hours of my life I have frittered away hearing Indians of all ages describing in painstaking detail the intricacies of it all. I felt like shouting out ‘I DON’T CARE HOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF MALT LIQUOR THEY HAD AT ALL!’ but I resisted that urge. Another reason I hate them is because I’ve heard tales of great mental abuse one family will give another if everything isn’t right. Why wasn’t there non-veg (meat) in the reception? The alcohol selection is beneath our dignity! Yes, this is actual dialogue from an actual conversation, albeit translated for your convenience.
Is this what has become of the land of the famous Indus valley, pioneers of surgery, poetry linguistics…I could go on? Whilst every Indian could probably recite to you some amazing facts about our ancestors it never ceases to astound me to think that this country has produced so many writers, scientists and activists when everyone carries on this way. Hinduism is a miracle simply for the fact that an Indian came up with something so radical. And me with my weird, more open minded look on things, not to mention the audacity to be a boy with long hair (oh my god, what’s wrong with you, don’t you want to look good? I get told) means I don’t fit in.
Fine, I’m not Indian then. Got no idea what I am but I’m not Indian clearly. I’m not British Indian by most respects but see part 2 for that. Yes I haven’t even started on you guys yet!
By Indian society I am close to marriageable age now. But with such a grim selection and a hairstyle and a personality that is not shallow and egotistical in the Indian way am I going to find a bride?
शमा कीजिये नानाजी, आपका हर सपना पूरा नहीं कर पाउँगा…
I’ve got the Kaliyug blues badly it seems, summed up in song by Digital Hippy here: http://soundcloud.com/digital-hippy/kaliyug-blues
Regards,
The Vedic Underdog
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